Sta.sh
I stood looking at his grave. My only son, dead at seventeen. Briefly I pondered what I would write on his tomb stone. What could I say about him that would redeem him?
Stuart placed his arm around my shoulders and stood there with me. I leaned into him for comfort.
“It’ll be ok Sarah. They will forget.”
I turned to look for any mourners who had followed us out here. There were none. There had been none at the church either, except for Stuart and Father Harvey. Nobody was mourning the death of my son, they were celebrating. Privately, but still celebrating.
“I wish none of this had ever happened,” I whispered.
“So do we all Seh, so do we all.”
Father Harvey made his way down to where we were standing.
“Father, where is he? Can he be in Heaven?” I was trembling despite Stuart’s strong arm around me.
“Ah Sarah, we will never know what was in his heart at that moment. It is said that if you believe in Jesus Christ you will go to Heaven. I think that’s why so many death row prisoners convert to Christianity. As to whether Keegan is in Heaven, I can’t say for sure. I just can’t say.”
“But Father, he was a good boy. He WAS. Where did I go wrong Father? Was I such a bad mother?”
“It’s not your fault Seh,” Stuart interjected, hugging me closer.
“But whose fault is it then? Who is to blame? God?”
“God is not to blame either Sarah,” Father Harvey murmured. “Yes, sometimes bad things happen and we blame God, we are angry at Him. Like with Brett. People need someone to blame, and when they can’t blame a certain person they turn to God.” He cleared his throat. “But God tests us with trials. He tests our faith...”
“So I lacked faith?”
He looked at me pityingly. “Maybe Keegan lacked faith.”
“My son was brought up in a good Christian home. He attended mass every Sunday. He had faith Father, he had faith!”
In the distance I heard laughter and cheering. My face went beet red.
“Maybe he placed his faith in the wrong things Sarah,” Father Harvey was trying to be kind. “Maybe he didn’t really believe in God, but in whatever caused him to do what he did.”
“Why did he do it?”
“We will never know Seh,” Stuart rubbed my shoulder.
“Will he ever be redeemed?”
“The people will forget eventually,” Father Harvey spoke authoritatively. “If not, I will have many people coming to confess un-forgiveness and anger after the sermon I am going to preach on Sunday.”
Stuart turned me ever so slightly away from the grave, and the three of us began making our way back to the church.
“Feel free to sit awhile inside Sarah,” Father Harvey placed his hand on my shoulder as we reached the door. Then he turned and walked away.
I knew that I wouldn’t. There would be people coming soon, and I know that seeing me here would turn them away. They couldn’t bear to see me at the church.
“Stu, I’m not sure I believe in God anymore.”
“Neither am I Seh, neither am I.”
Making our way down the street we passed a few townsfolk. Each and everyone stared at me with hatred in their eyes. Some with disgust. The only ones who had any pity for me were Stuart and Father Harvey. The only friends I had at the moment.
Today I had buried my son, but it seems that I had lost him long before.
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This seems familiar… but hey, I haven’t gone through it in detail before. I did get slightly confused with all the names of different people the first time I read it. You’ve got Stuart, Keegan and Brett who are similar. Keegan and Brett are only mentioned once. I know it’s hard to say who they are without begin horribly expositional, but it might be a good idea. To be honest, do you need to mention them at all? Father Harvey and Sarah are fine, though.
There’s very little description. It could be hard to justify, since it’s Sarah’s narrative at the moment. That said, she’s just buried her son, and thinks the whole town is looking at her. My favourite bit is when there’s laughter and she thinks it’s at her. You could build in more of her paranoia through a creative semantic field (about being watched, being alone etc). Could the weather be cold, because that’s how she feels? Could there be an angel guarding a graveside, could it stare at her? What would she think if it did? It could bring another element to the story. It would help to bring more techniques to the narrative, too.
Specific notes:
-I think ‘tombstone’ is one word.
-“So do we all Seh, so do we all.” – I’m not sure what it is about this that means it doesn’t sound right to me. It might just be odd wording. I expect it to be: ‘We all do, Seh. We all do.’
-I don’t think you need to capitalize ‘WAS’. I think the repetition is enough.
-I think there should be a period, not a comma here (the tag doesn’t quite relate enough to be in the same sentence): “Maybe he placed his faith in the wrong things Sarah(period)” Father Harvey was trying to be kind.
-“Each and everyone stared at me…” – ‘everyone’ needs a space. It’s like saying ‘Each and everyperson stared at me…’
-“The only friends I had at the moment.” – ‘in the moment’ is present tense. It’s a strange one where ‘the’ becomes the present form of ‘that’. It jars with ‘had’ which is definitely past. I suggest: ‘At that moment (or At the time), they were the only friends I had.’
-I don’t think you need ‘it seems’ because, from her point of view, she definitely did. She could be certain with her words. ‘I buried my son that day. But I’d lost him long before.’
Stuart could be more direct. He doesn’t really achieve much in this scene. It would be good to see more of his character than just agreeing or stating the obvious. What does he want out of this? To get closer to Sarah? How could he do that? “Come back to my place for a while. You’re freezing.”
What does Father Harvey want? To keep Sarah and Stuart apart maybe (I’ve slightly forgotten the plot, doesn’t Father H want to bring Sarah back to God?) How could be do that? I know he wants to bring her back to the church, but he doesn’t try very hard.
By working through the wants of the character, it’s much easier to get their purpose across to the audience.
Overall, it’s a nice opening. We don’t quite get enough of character through, or a wider sense of where they are. But you use speech creatively, and don’t ramble. Economic speech is far more interesting to read, because it does several things at once (and it’s more real!) Plot is good though, we know Keegan is dead, but we’re not sure how yet. Lots of intrigue as why she feels like she’s being judged (with disgust) by the rest of the town.
If you’ve got any questions, just give me a shout
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