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Literature Text
The Same Way
30-12-15
You come, you go, I hear a voice
That condemns me not for my choice
To carry my child, and my cheeks get moist
As tears begin to flow, with a lot of inner noise,
As I mourn the boy you never got to be;
My son, whom in dreams I sometimes see.
I hear a child laugh from right behind,
So I turn around, but only find
Someone elses’ child, mother kind
But creeped out at my staring mind.
How can I miss a laugh I never knew?
The same way I miss you.
30-12-15
You come, you go, I hear a voice
That condemns me not for my choice
To carry my child, and my cheeks get moist
As tears begin to flow, with a lot of inner noise,
As I mourn the boy you never got to be;
My son, whom in dreams I sometimes see.
I hear a child laugh from right behind,
So I turn around, but only find
Someone elses’ child, mother kind
But creeped out at my staring mind.
How can I miss a laugh I never knew?
The same way I miss you.
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DFC #30 - The Marisya
The Marisya/Marsia is a Persian form originally created for mourning and honouring famous figures. It is made up of sestets with the rhyme scheme aaaabb ccccdd etc. No set meter or limit to number of stanzas.
The Marisya/Marsia is a Persian form originally created for mourning and honouring famous figures. It is made up of sestets with the rhyme scheme aaaabb ccccdd etc. No set meter or limit to number of stanzas.
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Comments4
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Overall Vision Originality Technique ImpactMerry CRITmas! Since you're doing such a fine job with the DFC, I figured I might as well let a sincere critique come your way.
Mostly praise though, as you'll soon discover.
(If you don't know about Critmas yet, have a look-see right here
fav.me/d9l5203)
Firstly I'd like to commend you on using the Marisya for this, rather heavy subject. The end-couplets really make this piece, with lines that sink deeper at the end; they are very well-done lines and if needed could stand on their own, even.
I am slightly iffy about the fourth line of the first stanza, which migh just be my least favourite one throughout. The 'with a lot of inner noise' seems forced and not up to par with the rest. I suppose four rhyming lines are really hard to pull off without that happening. Likewise, I'm unsure about the word 'creeping' in the second stanza - it looks far more informal then the rest of the poem.
At the end of the day though, I think this poem hits hard and true - since I became a parent I've gotten more sentitive to this kind of thing, so I might be a tad biased... Even so, I think you dealt with a sad but tender subject as exactly it should have.
Happy 2016, by the way!