If I Could Rule My World

If I Could Rule My World
25-03-15

There’d be a job that understands me, firstly,
As I need one to be able to survive on my own;
To survive without my parents.

Not that I am wishing them dead
But it is inevitable that they will die some day
And I will be left to fend for myself;
I doubt my brother will help me.
He already sees me as incompetent.

There’d be a job, based on studies
Provided for free to those who can’t afford
But are ‘white’ and unable to speak an ‘African’ language other than English –
I can’t help it that I speak ‘posh’ –
It’s not my fault I was born the colour I am,
No less is it your fault you are the colour you are,
But to withhold education from the ‘white’ person
Because they cannot afford to pay
Is prejudice.
I don’t want much, just a degree on which to bass my job.
I don’t want a doctorate, no – too much work – I just want a degree.
English and TEFL.
I long to study so I can earn more and become better employed.

I’m turning 28...nearly 30.
I can’t live off handouts forever.
I long to study. I long to work.
But mental illness takes its toll
And Bipolar, Depression and Anxiety
Lead me into health problems that I cannot get a doctor’s note for.
I feel like a nothing,
As if my disease defines me over and over again
As I stay at home and sleep until four
And never have money for anything.

I tried living on my own, once,
But couldn’t afford food
And couldn’t get rid of the bugs that crawled out of the drains
And onto my bed.
So I moved back;
Me and my bookshelf.

If I could rule my world
I wouldn’t have all my mental maladies.
I would be able to cope
Without suicidal thoughts intruding;
Without the longing to slice ‘just one more time’ through thickened wrist-scars.

I wish, I dream, I long.
But I do not rule my world.