Living Without You

Living Without You
30-10-10
(Title from: Living Without You by: TheIntenseGaze)

You weren't planned, my angel,
But from the very second I knew you existed
My heart was yours
And you were mine:
My beautiful, little, Beanie.

You may have been an accident,
But you were never a mistake.
Mistakes are things you regret;
I do not regret the life you were inside me.
Though your own father dubbed you a parasite,
A mistake to be rectified,
Easily, he said,
So that I could earn his respect...
...him and his pseudo respect weren't important – you were.

You became my very life
From the moment I saw your heart beating:
You were my child,
My light,
My love.

I learned to live with you – to adjust old eating habits.
I remembered to take my vitamins every day – never
Skipped one, because you needed them.
As you grew inside me,
I learned to live with feeling sick:
I fought my nausea,
I fought pain,
I fought a whole family for you.

If only you could have seen the happiness
On your grandmothers face
When she first saw your little heartbeat;
Our little Beanie.

I never knew that I possessed so much love,
Until you came and showed me
Just how much I could love,
And just how easy it is to love another with everything you are.

Then, as suddenly as you were there,
You were gone.

That poor doctor tried for what felt like hours
To find your little heartbeat,
And as the time passed I broke inside,
Because I knew you were lost;
You had left me.

Yet, I still love you, angel.

The joy that had filled my heart
A mere three weeks before
When I had seen your heart, so strong...
That joy died and turned my soul into a desert,
Turned my heart to stone:
Part of me died with you.

I prayed for another miracle – for you
Yourself were a miracle – but God
Didn't answer my prayers.
And you were gone.

You were gone;
Your grandmother swore
And the doctor cried.

Now I have to learn to live without you,
And I don't think I can do it.
Every day, and everything, that doesn't kill me
Is supposed to make me stronger,
But I'm already dead inside
And my heart is already turning into the strongest stone.

I may be walking this earth,
But my heart died with you.

And now I'm living without you,
But I'm not living – I'm existing.
Because I can't live without you:
I can't live without my heart.