Shattered Soul, Broken Heart

Shattered Soul; Broken Heart; Faith in Flames
1-11-10
(To the Pastor)

I always believed God existed;
He has saved my physical life
So many times that I can't not believe in Him.

But I've spent my whole life doubting
If He can love me.
If I can't love me, and most of His people
Can't love me either,
How can He?

Still, I loved Him with everything I had;
My music, my gifts, my passions.
I served Him with everything I had
And some things I never knew I posessed.
And for a few years
His house was the only place
Where I belonged.
Service to Him
Was the only place where I could find my purpose,
Where I could find peace.

And then God wrenched all that from my grasp,
Breaking my fingers as I tried hard to not let go.
But God won,
And I went away to nurse my wounds – but
Now my tale isn't chronological...

One day God brought into my life
Two people I don't deserve to know;
I didn't deserve them then
And I still don't deserve them now.
They loved me and accepted me
When others would not.
And through their love I began to see God's love.
I began to believe that maybe it was for me too.
That maybe,
Just maybe,
God could love me.
Maybe He doesn't hate me.
Maybe I'm not His idea of a bad joke.
Maybe He didn't get bored halfway through making me,
And just leave me to be born broken and incomplete.
Through their portrayal of God and His love,
God's love began to become real.

Then, on another fateful day,
God brought me someone special.
Someone I could love with all the love I have inside
That nobody ever gets to see.
Someone I could envision a future with – a real
Future without pain and darkness.
A future with a family of my own
Whom I could love with my love,
And whom I could shower with God's love.
God brought him to me,
Though it was me who asked him out,
And I began to believe all the more
That God loved me;
He had answered my prayer
And found me somebody to love.

But, like the fool I am,
I loved too much
And got burned.

I know I should have waited
Until the man had planned out our future,
But the world changes
And plans fail.
He had an order:
"Job, Money, House,
Move in together to test the waters,
Maybe get engaged and married if it works out.
Oh...and I can't stand kids love."

So within myself I still had doubts.
Doubts that the man loved me,
Doubts that God loved me.
And so I went looking for what I thought was love...
...and it turned into a year of hell
With a smile on my face.
I loved him, but I doubt he loved anyone
But his Ego and his Plans.
I made the wrong choice,
But God still used it for good;
He created a miracle.

And I finally believed He loved me,
That He was working for my good.

Because He doesn't make mistakes;
So, if I'm not a mistake
Then neither was my baby.
My child.
My miracle.
My heart and soul.

I fought for its life
Against the very man who claimed to love me.
I fought his family,
And I fought the doubts in mine.
I knew it would be hard,
But I knew I could do it
Because God was on my side;
He would work with me.
His love gave me the strength to fight for my child,
And to finally leave
What was becoming an emotionally abusive relationship.

I praised God all the more.
After the first scare,
When I had an 'almost miscarriage'
I went to church and thanked Him with all I posessed.
I sung songs to Him,
No matter how it hurt me,
Because my baby was safe:
Its heart was beating strong.

I vowed it would grow up to love God
And be loved by Him.

I asked for only one thing:
"God, protect my baby from harm."

And what did He do?
The God who 'loves' me?
He took my thanks and stuck them on His holy wall
With all His other accolades and achievements.
Then He gathered my baby,
My tiny world,
Into the mighty hands that hold the entire world,
He held the miracle I loved more than my life...
And He squashed his hands together
Like one would kill a mosquito.
And when He opened them again,
All that was left was my dead child.

I failed in my promise to always protect it.
God failed to listen to my prayer.

He killed my miracle,
And in that act He killed me too.
He tore my heart apart
And set fire to my faith.
My soul was razed to the ground:
He proved that He never loved me – not
Now, not ever.

God can only love the perfect and happy,
Those who can cast the first stone,
Because He has forgiven their sins.

He doesn't love the depressed and hurting,
Those who are on their knees
Knowing that the stones will come – but
Also knowing that they won't even make a dent
In the pain caused by God.

God took my life and soul,
And smashed them into pieces
Not even a master of puzzles can fix.

When He stopped the heart of my miracle child,
He stopped my heart too.
I died with my baby.
My heart shattered
And my faith,
Covered in third-degree burns,
Fled to the furthest corners of the furthest places.

God exists;
But He only loves certain people.

My baby was not one of those people.

I am not one of those people,
I never was and I never will be.