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:iconmagicaljoey:
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of
:iconsuperwritershelp:

Firstly, I love the way you draw the reader in with your first ST by explaining the 'glass-as-in-gas' pronunciation.

Now, the crit:
:bulletred: ST = Stanza
:bulletred: L = Line

ST 1, L4 - 'either' isn't needed here because you have just started a new sentence and are not comparing the crack to anything else yet.

ST 5 L1 - you need a comma after 'cathedrals' otherwise you are implying that the cathedrals are tinted and not the glass.
ST 6 L1 - again a comma is needed here after 'lenses' for the same reason as above.

I love the contrast between the different elements of the glass with the granite, clay and chalk. You have done well to continue your metaphor throughout the piece.

Personally I would remove the third lines of both ST 5 and 6, as they seem unneeded in a way, and almost get in the way of the message you are trying to bring through.

Overall, a really good piece.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
10 out of 14 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:icondivafica:
divafica Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you so much! :happybounce:
I'll get down to changing these things.
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:iconwolffey:
wolffey Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
i kinda wanted to see the unedited one also
Reply
:icondivafica:
divafica Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Sorry, I don't remember it ^^;
Reply
:iconwolffey:
wolffey Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
its fine :3
Reply
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