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:iconmagicaljoey:
Heya

Read through your artist's comments, and I must say that I don't get the 'lover to lover' meaning 'I need to be punished' part. Maybe it's because they're both italicised? What if you made one normal and one italic-bold for more emphasis, kinda like lover to "LOVER" (emphasis on the second, spoken with the 'invisible speech marks). At the moment it just sounds like an ordinary thing to say, until one gets to line two that is.

I don't get the ellipses at the end of line two. This doesn't seem to be the correct place for that kind of pause. I would personally use a semi-colon, but that's just me.

I know you're on a budget with syllables, being a Haiku, but there some words I would actually leave out (mainly 'but' in line two and 'up' in line three) because they seem superfluous and only there to make up the syllable count.

Now that all the 'horrid' is out of the way, I do want to say that you have succeeded in writing about the theme without it being overly depressing, so you reached your goal. It also follows the theme nicely, although perhaps a little too literally?

Hope this helps,
J
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Comments


:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for such a lovely critique, my dear! :huggle:

I took all of your wonderful suggestions into consideration - and have employed most all of them. Thanks for the tweaking - I think my poem appears better now. :heart:
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012   Writer
not a problem, I'm glad I could help :)
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