I See
Journal Entry: Tue Apr 17, 2007, 3:41 PM
For the friend I lost somehow along the way
17-04-07
I see you there, sitting,
Laughing with the others.
Those who remain your friends.
I see you there, happily
Going about your business.
Then, you turn my way,
And my heart gives a small
Involuntary leap of hope
That maybe tonight will be the night
And as your eyes turn towards me…
You look straight through me
As if I am non-existant,
And once again my heart bleeds
As the knife called hope
Eviscerates me.
I see you there, supporting,
Comforting those whom you care for,
Those whom you have chosen to love
Despite their problems and pains.
I see you there, listening
To their troubles.
Raw emotion floods through my heart
As if my blood were transformed into feelings:
Jealousy – Why do they still get to have your love whilst I can only sit and watch?
Confusion – What have I ever done that caused you to hate me so much?
Anger – Why me? Why did you raise your standards for love ONLY for me?
Pain – To be abandoned by the friend I trusted the most.
Worry – What if you hurt the others like you hurt me?
I see you there, being
A good friend to all but me,
And I am flooded with emotions
That the sluice gates of my heart
Cannot control.
I see the ones you care for,
The ones you did not abandon,
The ones for whom God’s love was enough.
I see them and my heart weeps
With unanswered questions:
Why do you give them the right to openly speak of their trials,
Yet with a few sharp words you silenced me?
Why do you love them openly with the love of God,
Yet you raised the standards of Gods love so high for me
That I cannot possibly ever reach?
Why are they good enough to share freely with you,
Yet I will never be good enough now that you judged me,
Now that you branded me
With your brand.
Burned into my heart, forever,
Will be the words…
TOO NEGATIVE FOR FRIENDSHIP.
I see the ones you still love,
And as I see how you allow them
To openly share without fear
Of your judgement,
Something twists and breaks again
Within my heart…
Something that I cannot fix.
I am trying so hard to forgive you,
Trying so hard to forget the pain you caused,
Yet every time I see you,
You treat me differently
To those whom you have chosen
To continue loving:
You ignore me,
And leave me petrified
Of saying the wrong words in your presence.
You force out a cold, two-word greeting,
And leave me jealous of the warmth in your voice
As you use copious amounts of words
To greet everyone else.
You allow those others to be honest with you,
Whilst I must remain forever hidden
Behind my mask of fine,
My positive, happy face,
So as to avoid your wrath.
I see you, and I try so hard to forgive,
But you keep re-opening the wounds.
I see you there,
Giving comfort to those who need it,
And I long
To once again feel your arms
Around me in a hug filled with warmth and love,
Instead of the cold nod I sometimes now receive.
I long
To look into your eyes
And see the love and kindness
That they once held for me,
Instead of the judgement they hold now.
I see you there,
And I miss your friendship so much,
That my heart contracts in agony.
I see you there, happy,
Giving comfort,
Being honest and open.
I see you,
But you look through me
As if I don’t exist.
I see you there,
And whilst I feel all of the above,
My one wish,
Is that you would see me.
- Mood:
Emotional - Listening to: The sound of my computer fan
- Reading: This journal entry
- Watching: My cat asleep on my pillow
- Playing: Nothing
- Eating: Nothing
- Drinking: Water