Capital-h-Home

Capital-h-Home
6-12-15
100 Themes #81 – A Place to Belong

I used to have a place I called my capital-h-Home;
A Heavenly place of peace
That turned in an instance to a biting stinging place of pain.
It was the place I thought I belonged,
Alongside the people I thought I belonged to,
And that bite took more out of me than I was able to give.
So I stopped going to church.

Four years after the fact I went back,
And another year has passed
But still I have not found my true capital-h-Home again.
I sit on the edges of circles
Afraid of what I might say if allowed within,
Afraid of what might be said to me – what may be asked,
Required, expected – after such a long time away;
Did they even notice I was gone?
Why should that matter?

Home was in the ministries I was part of
And the people I spoke to –
Even though a lot of it was pretend –
And I miss it.
Capital-h-Honestly miss it.

And just when I think I may have made it back into the fold,
That I’m ready to be reunited with my ministries
And accepted back as a prodigal daughter,
Something is said
And I realise I’m still only pretending to know what I’m doing.
Enough faith? Pretence.
Enough trust? Pretence.
Enough love? Pretence.
Enough heart knowledge? Pretence.

I can have faith in a chair – that it is a chair
And will do the chairly thing of supporting my weight – but
Uniting the history of my faith with the works of the spirit
Still lacks application.
I struggle to articulate myself even on the brightest day,
How, then, am I supposed to articulate in my failure as a capital-c-Christian?

I need a capital-h-Home.
A place of faith I can come to where my spirit rests
And God’s spirit takes over – though
That technically should happen always.
I need a place of people whose teachings and talkings I can take to heart.
Whose fellowship surrounds me
Like a comforting blanket in a winter land.
And, like a fire on a winter night,
Whose warmth seeps through despite my defences.

I need a capital-h-Home,
But talking is exhausting when cliques are involved
Or when the age and interest level is challenging.
Talking is exhausting most of the time,
But only by talking can I change a small-h into the everlongedfor capital.