Open My Eyes

Hi, I'm doing a test critique for <img class="avatar" src="a.deviantart.net/avatars/s/u/s…" alt="" title="SuperWritersHelp"/>

I do my critiques a little differently; I go line-by-line, and then sum everything up at the end. I hope this helps!

"I'm sorry that I loved you," - Solid opening line. I like how you use a comma instead of a period here.

"I'm sorry that I cared." - I like the repetition you're setting up. It's very good for setting tone and mood.

"I'm sorry that I thought" - I realize this is here to set up the next line, but it's not doing it for me. Unfortunately, I can't quite put my finger on why. This is likely more my failing than yours!

"you'd be the one who's always there." - I've been there, and I've done that--so this really hits home for me.

"I'm sorry for the baby," - Kind of a twist here, but I appreciate the honesty within the sentiment. Very nicely done.

"Though it was your fault too." - Honesty here, too. I like this as well.

"I'm sorry for my depression" - This whole stanza is ringing very true for me. I appreciate that.

"and the burden it placed on you." - Again, this rings true for me. Well done.

"I'm sorry for the words" - I've sat here for a long time looking at this line. Something doesn't seem right here, but I can't put my finger on it.

"in the emails that I sent." - I like how you use raw honesty. I know I keep bringing it up, but it's really, really good.

"I'm sorry for how I treated you" - This one rings so very true for me.

"and how the story went." - Yeah. I know how that goes.

"I'm sorry that you aren't mature," - Isn't this an oft-repeated lament? I think it turns more bitter here. I like it.

"And sorry you were wrong." - Another oft-repeated lament. Well-used.

"I'm sorry that you felt as if" - I like this; it sets up the next line very well.

"the child could not belong." - This line is tragic, and heartrending. Good use of language.

"I'm sorry that I loved you," - Well used line.

"I'm sorry you didn't love me back." - You're very good at using tropes in a way that's new and refreshing.

"I'm sorry that it took a child's death" - Well-worded, sad, and a punch to the gut. Devastating.

"to open my eyes and see the facts." - This is a solid line to end on. I really like this.

I must admit that this piece was hard for me to critique. Some of it--by no means all--hit so close to home that I struggled with this. You wrote this really well, and I think you did a wonderful job. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="17" height="16" alt="" title="Star!"/> <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="17" height="16" alt="" title="Star!"/> <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="17" height="16" alt="" title="Star!"/> <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="17" height="16" alt="" title="Star!"/> <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="17" height="16" alt="" title="Star!"/>

~Cassildra