Wish and Dream

Wish and Dream
100 Themes #39 – Out of Time
11-06-17

When I was young my dreams were bright and bold;
Grow up, grow old but keep that edge of child-like wonder.
Things were simpler then,
Though friends always went and never stayed
And I fought, fought, fought with an enviable passion
Against stigma and diagnoses.

I dreamed simple things,
A checklist of 'what to do to be an adult'
And 'how to know I'm successful'.
Steps, neatly laid out in ascending order,
Leading towards a productive adulthood.
I dreamed big dreams of family and success,
Nightmares chasing me from one goal to the next
On fairy wings of fantasy.

I was young and things were simple.

Now I am old and my dreams are tarnished and tired;
Grow up, grow old and try to resurrect that edge of child-like wonder.
Things are complicated now,
Though friends have stayed
And I still fight, fight, fight with thudding thoughts
Against stigma and diagnoses.

I'm an adult, and my checklist  is incomplete.
I'm neither successful nor a success,
The steps crumbled beneath my weight
And I fell, fell, fell down into the chasm of chaos and disorders.
My family dissolved in bloody bits of stolen heartbeats,
And success skirts seductively around the edges of my psyche
Out of reach of my dreams.

I am old now and things are complicated.

The list of rules grows bigger daily,
And instead of bringing order these rules bring only crumbling chaos.
Get a job, keep a job, earn enough to support myself,
For my folks are old now and won't be around to support me forever.
Find a love, keep a love, create a family,
For when I am greyer than I am now who will visit me on my deathbed?

Each year adds more grey to my head,
And fills my holey heart with stones
That weigh my mood down, down, down
Until I am drowning inside with no hope of surviving beyond this second.
Time waits for no man, or woman.
Instead it laughs insanely as it throws remnants of your life out of the window,
And you are left wondering: what now?

I am old now, and out of time to wish and dream.